Love and Light

Today I declare myself a free-agent; a free-spirit.

I hate the term “ex”, as in my ex-boyfriend. It sounds so cheap and disrespectful, as if a person you once shared your life with – no matter the amount of time – actually amounted to nothing; he (or she) was just someone in the past but nothing to concern yourself with anymore and perhaps better forgotten entirely. I don’t believe that to be true. I believe that two people can be together, can not be right for one another, and can move on and remain on good terms. The first guy I ever had a long-term relationship with was always very close with his ex-girlfriend. He kept a picture of them on his board in his room. It made me crazy jealous then, but when I began to move on, I noticed other things about him: he is as sentimental as they come; He cherishes the people in his life, no matter how their relationship with him may have changed over the years. When we broke up and he began to date someone else, he kept things from me around because I still mattered. Not in a relationship-sense, but my existence in his life meant something.

These are things I have learnt over time. Growing up is great. I love where I am right now in my life. I love the madness of not knowing who you are, and trying to figure it out along the way. Most of the time, the lesson-learning sucks and it isn’t easy. There are a lot of cringe-worthy moments and some things you would rather not remember. I’ve embarrassed myself; I’ve done things that I regret; I’ve done things that have damaged my self-respect and confidence; I’ve not been there for people when they have needed me and I’ve said things I shouldn’t have said. I really want to say that I wouldn’t change a thing about my past for the sole reason that these mistakes made me the person I am today, but it sounds too corny. I feel as if it is something people would read in passing and that’s not what I want. These words mean something to me. They are my heart and soul in HTML format. But wanting to change anything about myself would mean being apologetic for who I am, and I’m not. Maybe I have been in the past, but today and for my life to come, I am unapologetic. It’s not as easy at it looks. It turns out that it’s pretty fucking hard, but I’ve spent so much time conforming. Now that I’ve come out of that state of being, I am utterly happy even when life shows me flames.

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